i mean the more & more i think about this task, the more petrified i become. it’s only 15 weeks away now {or sooner, who knows} and all i can think about is snooki’s exchange at her birthing class when she says “I’m really worried about my vagina ripping to my asshole.” & then everything that follows… including a diagram and a confirmation that this in fact can happen. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? what about those liars who say childbirth is beautiful? that doesn’t sound very beautiful. beautiful would be my child gliding out of there wrapped in a silk blanket and the doctors fanning me with banana leaves. or can they just knock me out? a scheduled c-section sounds pretty amazing to me. go to sleep, wake up with a baby… in all seriousness the anxiety about this is mounting. i know that  it will all be worth it in the end but i might have a panic attack in the process. if i look at a newborn, then i look ‘down there’ then i look at a newborn again, i just can’t fathom how this is going to be possible without it being a scene from the rocky horror picture show. and HELL NO is brian allowed anywhere south of my shoulders. i don’t want him to be afraid of me for the rest of his life. i’d like to think that he will still be able to look at my beaver without having flashbacks like a war victim. he can stand by me & listen to me screaming at him that this is all his fault & he can do whatever he has to do to try and keep me calm, but he will not be venturing south of the border to explore. in fact,  i wish that he actually had to endure some physical pain also. can he be subjected to a full body wax in the bed next to me? for each contraction they can rip away another strip, that seems at least semi fair. it would maybe give me a little smirk of satisfaction that my body has to endure all of this while his has gotten to fill up on beer & sit back & watch for 10 months. as natural as it all is, and i know we are made for this type of thing it just seems so UN-natural and crazy. i know that a bazillion other people have given birth & been just fine. every time i look around me i think hmm weird, everyone came from their mother’s womb… they were all “birthed” but it really doesn’t ease my anxiety at all. not one bit. i am also pretty sure that no amount of yoga or breathing or ice chips is going to make this any better. baby toes, i know you can hear me know {the baby books told me so} so you better start being grateful already that you’re getting to come out into the world. your mom has never been more scared. to show your gratitude you can be a very good baby & not cry too much. thanks ~ and see you in 15 weeks {or less…}

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