silver lining?

let me just say i am not ALWAYS cheery. sometimes it probably seems like it but i created this space to be able to just talk to myself about anything. & to remember things & thoughts i would have otherwise forgotten. to be honest. an online diary. & not every day is cheery. i try to always do my best to think happy thoughts & have sunbeams shine out of my face like roald dahl suggests but sometimes i am incapable of finding the silver lining. sometimes i just feel lost. & as much as i’d like to pretend that everything is a storybook over here in kellyland, it isn’t. i struggle daily. with parenthood. with marriage. with friendships. with family. i worry that i am not doing enough, or doing too much (how can you worry about both…) i worry about the future & i worry somethings are never going to change. i worry about what EVERYONE thinks. of me. of my family. of my life. i am a control freak. i find it hard to trust people on even the most basic level. i am sneaky. i have a memory that should learn how to forgive & forget. but just can’t seem to. i struggle. i am trying to wage war on my vices but some days, they win. & on those days i am just overwhelmed with a sense of disappointment – in myself. i guess it is appropriate that it’s a cloudy day out there. i don’t feel like being bright today. there is just so much i’d like to change & each day is a new day. i guess that can be my silver lining, that today is a new day. to try again.

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