first off, no I am not pregnant. you would have seen a prior post of brian’s head exploding if I was. second of all, forgive me if this post gets messy. I can’t even organize my thoughts in my head but they need to get out.
we have contemplated the idea of a second child. in theory i think having a girl & a boy would be perfect & our ideal situation. one of each. but I am torn. part of me wants to fill our house up with children. to constantly hear the pitter patter of little feet shuffling across the floor. to have more kisses & hugs & cuddles. to have a sibling for Madison to grow up with. she is by FAR the best thing to ever happen to us and she has changed our lives for the better. as cliché as that is, it’s true. but part of me worries we won’t be able to handle a second child. will opposite schedules and the hardships of living in this wonderful, but expensive city bring us crumbling down if we add one more to our wolf pack? I am stuck somewhere in the middle – wanting more children, but wanting to still live our lives. to still date my husband, to travel, to experience life the way we always have instead of feeling tied down. there are so many things I still want to do. and part of me thinks that is super selfish. but is it really? is it wrong to want just one child? we can certainly give Madison the BEST life if we don’t have another. She won’t have to share our resources for clothes, activities, college, and life. she will get it all. we can pour everything into her. and right now we can still be somewhat wild & free like we’ve always been. but with two, things get complicated. things get expensive. things get chaotic. am I willing to sacrifice my happiness with my husband in order to bring one more child into the world? patience hasn’t been our strong suit in the past. and it certainly takes every ounce of energy to keep a spark in our marriage now after having a baby & being constantly tired & continually handing her off to one another to get through the day. is it better for the sake of our marriage to have less stress and strife & keep our focus on each other. will we be happier? or should we just battle for a few years and raise a bigger family. and just plan on surviving. that’s how i feel right now. survival vs. really living. and i want to live. and yet then again, what was life before her? she makes the colors brighter & my smiles bigger. brian & I were happy before she came into this world, but she can make even the darkest day bright. would two of her make our world even better?
every day I battle with myself over these questions, and our future. I think if we could guarantee it would be a boy we’d probably take the plunge. brian wants a son. I pray if we do decide to have another that we will have a boy. he would be the proudest dad, not that he isn’t with Madison but well, we all know it’s different. it’s at the fore front of my mind when I consider shutting down the baby making department. that he will always wish he had a son & I didn’t give him one. how do people decide this? and to anyone reading this… when you had your second child did you feel that you couldn’t enjoy life the way you used to? or did your children’s happiness make it worth it?