everyday i leave the house and kiss my sleeping husband’s arm. that crook right where his elbow is. he’s usually rolled up in blankets & sheets, his pillow long ago knocked onto the floor and gus curled up on top of him. there is possibly a little bit of drool on our sheets. okay we will go with probably. and i don’t want to wake him. he was working late. always working late. getting home around midnight or one in the morning usually. and crawling into bed next to me. that’s when i let out the breath i’ve been holding all day. from the moment i leave him until the moment he comes home & is beside me again. because these days, i find myself filled with anxiety & fear that i will open my eyes, and he won’t be there. that i will roll over in the middle of the night and reach for him, but not feel him. and i realize i can’t live my life that way. full of fear. always holding my breath. but a shield has become a target. it doesn’t matter that he straps on a gun everyday and goes out into the night to defend people who would spit on him in return. we are in the midst of a war on cops. a war on my husband & our friends & our family members? i can’t grasp this. i can’t grasp how devoting your life to an honorable cause has somehow become the center of contempt. how the pride i feel seeing him in uniform is equally matched by hatred across another line. how someone can want to take him from me, because of the uniform he wears. and sometimes i wonder… i wonder how does one remain human when dealing with such inhumanity? how do you stay sane? how do you deal with shots fired, rape, blood, dead bodies, children with guns, drugs, domestic violence, child abuse, neglect, anger, fear, and bewilderment at work and are then able to come home and do pony tails & piggy back rides? to read stories and have tea parties? to hold your wife in your arms and make her feel that she is the only thing that matters. how do you do it day in and day out? how do you separate the hate from your compassion? how do you hold onto your empathy? is it even possible? or are these demons & fears always there? fighting to come to the forefront of your thoughts. do they follow you home in the night? is there anyway to get rid of them? i wish i could promise you you’d never have to bury another brother again. but we both know i don’t make promises i can’t keep. i wish i could help alleviate the pressure of it all.
does holding onto me in the night help?
i hope so. i hope you know we can battle together. and that you know you can always release your fears to me. and know that i’ll never see anything but strength behind those eyes. this house will always be your escape. from the chaos and violence and the hate. we will always be here for you to come home to. and for you to hold.
it is often a thankless job. but i want to thank you. all of you. my husband’s band of brothers. a cord of three strands is not quickly broken / Ecclesiastes 4:12 / there is truly strength in numbers & i am grateful for each of you. that you help ensure my husband walks through that door way each & every night. and for allowing me and my daughter to safely lay our heads down at night to rest. please join me in thanking a cop this week during national police week. and pray for these families & all from 2015. and if you’re in the NYC area this weekend, please come out & support us on Sunday at the NYPD Memorial 5k. This race is run in honor of all NYPD Officers who have died in the line of duty. There are more than 850 NYPD heroes whose names have been etched into the granite New York City Police Memorial Wall in Battery Park City. We gather yearly to honor these brave men and women who have made the ultimate sacrifice.