i am in that sleepless / restless nights phase. even when everyone is actually asleep – like right now – i feel myself unable to truly relax. my mind is focused on tomorrow and the tasks at hand. will i get that laundry finally done, will the vacuum make its way across the carpet instead of just inching closer to each room, will i be able to love on emma and give her the time in my arms she needs while still balancing madison and making her feel important. i can’t turn it off. there is a card to write, a bill to pay, a birthday gift to purchase, a birthday party to attend, a phone call to make, an email to send, dinner to be made… it seem so overwhelming, this stage. and there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight. i realize this is simply “life with two” and that days will be longer but years will seem shorter. that someday i will look back and want this all back. so i try to let them linger a little longer in my arms and do a little more while i can. but i can admit it isn’t easy. there is a certainly a loss of self identity in all of this and sometimes i have to take a breath and tell myself “you will be back someday” but for now”your children need you.” and this sacrifice as all mothers know all to well is a worthy one. but it is a difficult one. some days you just are overwhelmed and feel like you’ll never get it right. some days your patience runs thing and then you sit by yourself and cry because you know you need more patience not less right now. that they don’t realize what mommy is going through. and it’s not their fault. madison loves me so much she forgives instantly when i have a moment of weakness. and for that my hearts hurts. because she loves so selflessly. she says i am her best friend and offers hugs after i have yelled at her. any mother knows exactly what that feels like.
these are the most difficult days and the also the best days. before long i will be back at work and missing them like crazy. and in a few more years i will wish they’d still want to lay in bed with me and cuddle. madison even strokes my hair out of my face now and kisses my nose. she is the best thing that has ever existed in the history of the world for me. she is everything i need day in and day out to remember what life is supposed to be like. full of laughter and unconditional love. i would tear down walls for her. i am writing this so that she knows someday that if she ever doubts it – she is my saving grace. she’s changed everything and there isn’t a thing i would not do for her. including laying down a previous life for this one. full of sacrifice, difficult days and hugs upon hugs upon hugs. this is the life that i prayed for and i am thankful for it.
just remember to breathe.