Today has me feeling all the feels. I am soaking them both in today. It’s the last time I will ever be able to spend this amount of time with them and while it’s been an exhausting four months with Emma, it has been the BEST four months with Madison. Being with her everyday has me holding onto her and grabbing for her hugs every time she walks by. I’m pretty sure she thinks mommy is bonkers because I am smiling one minute and crying the next, but hey, maybe mommy is slightly bonkers. She will understand one day. The love that I have for them both is slightly crazy. But it’s the only way I know how to love. I tell her we are all in when it comes to family and life. Never half ass something. Even love. ESPECIALLY love. And I hope they know there is absolutely no one on this earth that will love with with the fierceness that I do (besides maybe their father), but there is just something different about a mother’s love. I am going to miss waking up each morning and watching them lay together. Madison talking to Emma and Emma just smiling and laughing at her sister. I am going to miss overhearing “sissy I love you so much” and catching glances at hand holding (even IF Madison pries open her little hands to slip a finger in). I am going to miss how much they currently need me. Madison less and less which makes my heart hurt but the looks I get from Emma all day because she realizes who I am now. She may not realize I’m her mama but she knows I’m the lady with the goods, and the cuddles and she looks for me!! When she hears me she looks, and she smiles. She has started to reach for me. She needs me, and the guilt of leaving her tomorrow is just another emotion that has my heart exploding. I worry about her transition without me. I know she will be fine, Madison was fine, babies are fine. Life must go on, but it still has me feeling guilty that I should be the one that comes running when she cries. Or fearing that something will happen and I won’t be there for her. That she will look for me, and I won’t be there. That part of this whole thing is what kills me the most. Knowing she will be looking for me to show up and I simply won’t. It’s harder on us than it is on them, that’s what everybody says, and I know that it’s true. But I need to just keep telling myself that. She will be fine, she will be happy, she will remember me when I come home, she will still need me, she loves me. on repeat…..
and as if that all of this wasn’t enough to drive me into an emotional basket case, Madison also turned four yesterday. How is that possible? Wasn’t she just Emma’s size – last week? She is SO grown up it crushes me. And it also fills me with this intense happiness and pride about what a good little human she is becoming. It’s such a bittersweet thing, watching them grow up.
& thank you to Uncle Hulk for helping me take pictures of her big day!! I will cherish these always because they’ll remind me of this week
party details: unicorn horns / paper plate backdrop / unicorn dress (on sale now) / unicorn onesie / big sister, little sister unicorn horns / unicorn rainbow cake / candy bars wrappers / unicorn cookies / cupcake toppers